I’m finally to a point in my blog editorial calendar where nothing is scheduled, sponsored or on deadline. It’s just me today. Sitting here. Trying to find the words. Mom passed away on August 1, 2018 and nothing has been the same since it happened. While I’m still trying to process it all, I find it helpful to write my daily blog and keep moving forward. And I feel that I need to be 100% honest with you. Let’s talk about How to Move Forward after Losing a Parent (or any loved one).
Before I dive into this topic, I know that I typically don’t get too personal on here. I often wonder how I became a successful blogger since I’m really a private person. Typically you will see FASHION, BEAUTY, LIFESTYLE and TRAVEL posts on here. Nothing too heavy. There is another persona blog post that you really seemed to like titled The Secret I’ve Been Keeping about my scare with skin cancer. You really identified with that one and many of you stopped me in person to thank me for helping you. So it is with that intent that I write today’s blog post.
Moving Forward After Losing a Parent
Death is inevitable, isn’t it? It’s certain to happen as it is unavoidable. I remember reading a story about how to deal with the loss of a pet and the writer matter-of-factly wrote “the minute you pick up your kitten or puppy the clock starts ticking as you know the pet will have a life cycle and ultimately die”. I remember thinking that although that is indeed true, it’s a terrible way to approach things. How morbid and sad.
The reason I tell you this is Mom really began this journey back in November 2015 when she became very ill. This blog post The Sandwich Generation is what I wrote at the time because I stepped in to help Mom and Dad sell their house and move to a retirement community after she was in the hospital for four months. I guess in the back of my mind, I knew this day was coming since the entire 2015 ordeal was due to a fatty liver. But no matter how healthy or sick your parents are, you will never be prepared for the day they leave you. NEVER!
Once I moved them into the retirement community in May of 2016, our new normal was adjusting to Mom in a wheelchair and seeing my parents when we could. We would have them over to our house for family gatherings and pop by their place too. I called them to chit-chat and get updates 2-3 per week and we saw them on average once a week. My parents are extremely proud of me and our entire family but they really don’t get the “blogger thing”. They understand that I work but they really don’t fully understand exactly what I do. Believe me, its hard for a lot of my friends to understand it too.
Mom’s Gradual Health Decline
Mom’s life revolved around many doctor appointments to monitor her heath. She would always tell me that everything was fine and the doctors said she was great. I knew better. This was someone who had Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and a bevy of other medical problems. You should have seen the medications list. Even given all of this, she was the happiest person you would encounter. Always joyful and sharp as a tack. She memorized everyone’s birthdays and could at any time tell you how old any family member was. She LIVED for her grandchildren and all of their activities. I loved her spirit, infectious laugh, sharp wit, German accent (she never lost it even though she moved to the US in 1963) and quirky ways. Mom would send a birthday card, anniversary card, any kind of card and it would be sealed with a gazillion stickers on the back. It was her thing! I called her Mrs. Hallmark because she had a card for any occasion.
Pete and I had just returned from a trip to Sonoma in late July and I resumed my regular work and shoot schedule. I had called my parents a few days before the incident and everything seemed fine. But I noticed that when I asked how things were going, her answer was “Oh you know… So So”, which was not her normal answer. I was shooting with my photographer Audrie Dollins on Wednesday morning August 1 at 9:00 AM. This was a weird day for me to shoot on but we had rescheduled due to heavy rain that Monday.
During the shoot Dad called me to say that Mom had a rough night and was having difficulty breathing. In my mind I thought it couldn’t be too bad because he would have called 911 (I could also hear Mom chatting in the back so I knew she was breathing). I left my shoot and headed to their place. En route I told Dad that I thought she should go to the hospital so I planned to just whiz by, pick her up and keep going. When I arrived I knew something was terribly wrong. She was pale as a ghost and barely coherent. I rushed her to the emergency room and I will never forget this car ride. While driving I asked her what was wrong and how long had she been feeling this way. She matter of factly answered me “Tanya, I am dying.”
When Everything Hit Rock Bottom
I will save you all the horrible details of what happened once we got there. If you can envision an ER scene where you start with a bunch of doctors ordering every test known to exist, followed by “we would like to run this, try this, to offset this, in case of this and does she have a DNR” all while hooked up to machines with bells and alarms going off. By 3:00 PM my mother passed away. I witnessed it all along with my Dad. In the end there were at least 10 medical professionals in the room going through heroic efforts to save her life. I will tell you that when you observe a devastating event like this, you immediately go into shock. It’s almost like an out-of-body experience. I remember being there but it feels like I was watching a clip from the TV show Grey’s Anatomy. Pete was there for the end and sheltered me away knowing what the outcome was going to be.
The rest of the afternoon at the hospital was a blur. Something about what would you like for us to do with the body, funeral arrangements, burial site, SSN, proper spelling of her middle name and so on. Pete had to take over because Dad and I were simply incapable of giving answers. Do you want to know what was surreal? I drove home by myself in my car completely numb. Just hours before I had her in the passenger seat with me and now no one was sitting there. No one.
Loss is Hard
No matter what your relationship is with your parents (or any loved one), nothing will prepare you for their departure. I was in shock for days following her death but got through the mechanical part of letting the kids know and calling relatives. The next day I called the German relatives and spoke my best Germlish (German and English mixture) to convey the news. I spent 24 hours in a tailspin thinking I needed to fly her body to Germany for a funeral because that’s what she would have wanted (note: my parents did not make any arrangements). Pete was the voice of reason throughout all of this and we determined it was best to bury her here so that Mom and Dad could be buried together. Thank God for Pete!
There are so many family members and dear friends that stepped in and I will forever be grateful. Food showed up immediately and this is so helpful. Cooking is the last thing anyone wants to do. Pete and I planned all the funeral arrangements and just kept Dad in the loop. The time between her death and burial seemed unbearable. Nighttime was the worst for me as I would cry hysterically questioning everything about the end of her life. Why didn’t I catch her declining health sooner? Why didn’t I do more? WHY? Fortunately, I got in to my therapists office quickly and she helped me start to process through it (and is still helping me).
Finding Happiness after Losing a Loved One
Why am I writing this now? My birthday was on January 12 and it is the first time she didn’t call me to say “Happy Birthday Tanya”. And her birthday was January 18. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call her to wish her Happy Birthday. When we did this we would speak German and say “Alles Gute zum Geburtstag”. Instead I took Dad to her grave and we brought her flowers. She would have been 78.
Believe me, 2018 was the most difficult year of my life. Her death shook me to my core. There were many times that I wanted to give up and simply shut down the blog. To say “that’s it folks – the end”. But then I found that getting up each day and writing content gave me some purpose, a reason to move forward and stay busy after losing a parent. In essence, you saved me. And for that I am thankful!
I’ve learned a lot through this process and have compiled a list that might be helpful to others. I’m also sharing some photos and memories with you. If you have been through this and have some words of wisdom I would love a comment today. Posting this picture on Instagram and the flood of sweet messages gave me the courage to write this blog post. By the way, Dad is finally doing ok but it’s been a difficult journey of depression and having to move him to Assisted Living. That is another blog post for another time (see update 8/1/19 below).
To my blog readers – I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you for listening.
Mom, I love you! xoxo – Tanya
P.S. We will be back to our regular scheduled programming tomorrow. If you feel this was helpful, please share this post.
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LIFE AFTER LOSING A PARENT UPDATE 8/1/19:
It’s been one full year since Mom left this earth. And while I do think of her every single day, I can say that time is indeed helping heal the enormous hole left in my heart after losing her. Her infectious laugh, mannerisms, incorrect pronunciations of words like fajitas (she would pronounce the “j” and call it fajeetas), her German accent that she never seemed to lose even though we have lived in the U.S. forever, and her incorrect sentence structure due to German being her native language are things I still miss. At the same time, my heart is filled with joy when I think of how proud she would be of Taylor and P.J. and the responsible, kind and loving mature adults they have become. Which constantly makes me miss calling her and telling her about their successes and I’m terribly sad that she will never see their future children.
Selfishly, I’m disappointed that we will never have a four generation picture (her, me, Taylor/PJ, their children). I have two of them! 1.) On my Dad’s side: My Great Grandma, Grandma Smith, Mom and Me (when I was about 5 years old) and 2.) On my Mom’s side: My Oma, Mom, Me and Taylor (when she was 2 years old and we visited Germany). I know she would have loved Ruby Lou as she was a cat person. I think of Mom especially now since I am planning our trip back to Germany and her hometown of Oberammergau when we visit for the Passion Play in May 2022. I will be so happy to see her family members!
How Dad is Coping
Many of you have asked how my Dad is doing so I thought this was a good time to amend the blog post. By November 2018, Dad sank into a deep depression that wasn’t completely unexpected. They had been married for 54 years and were not very social so the two of them were joined at the hip. When she died, he was lost! Pete and I were on this trip in Disney World when I got a call from the Independent Living facility that he had been rushed to the ER. After frantic phone calls and talking to doctors, we assessed that he must have had a panic attack from anxiety and depression.
In hindsight, I should have just stepped in and taken over immediately when Mom passed away. It became very clear that he could barely get through the day and when we visited him, he would just start crying. This was a man in deep despair. I called UTSW and had him admitted for depression. It’s probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. He was there for a month and in that time the doctors helped assess that he really didn’t need to live alone anymore. Since all of our bedrooms are upstairs, moving in with us was really not an option. In the time he was hospitalized, I gained control over all their finances and legal matters. I made the executive decision to move him and never have him go back to the home he shared with Mom.
I want to thank all my family and friends for being so supportive during this time of crisis. Alicia W. was so helpful in finding resources for me to clean out their home and sell/donate furniture. Mary E. stepped right in and gave me the name of her mover as well as helped me organize and clean out their old place and set up his new place. Both of them are long time friends with a can-do spirit (they happen to have amazing blogs too)! The rings I am holding in the top picture are some of the things I kept of hers along with my Oma’s china and a few things from Germany. I have all of her Dinderlkleid’s. Precious keepsakes to remind me of Mom.
I immediately contacted Paul Markowitz at Senior Living Specialist (214-929-5055) he quickly helped me find three Assisted Living communities to tour. If you are in need of senior living needs, I highly recommend using Paul! He is free to you and helps you discern all of the information while teeing up the tours and visits. He also discusses budgets, timelines and care needs. I will tell you that touring facilities is the quickest way to make a decision. You will know immediately when you find the right place based on how it looks and feels.
In the end, we decided on a wonderful Assisted Living Community that specializes in dementia and is easy for us to get to. Dad is well cared for with all meals prepared and meds administered to him. Pete and I sold his car as his dementia was getting worse with the depression. The good news is he is now on a great schedule, well cared for and fed and he is taking his meds daily at the exact time he is supposed to. More importantly, it is peace of mind for us especially when we travel. Staff members have eyes on him daily due to medication administration, meal service and activities.
Life is that way. In the end, your parents become the child that you help care for.
xoxo – Tanya
P.S. Thank you for your outpouring of love and support through all of your comments below. It helps me tremendously to see that I am not the only one going through this process of losing a parent!
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Tips on How to Move forward After Losing a Parent
Face your Feelings and Forgive Yourself
Realize that your relationship wasn’t perfect and don’t beat yourself up over it. I spent a lot of time trying to recall my last conversation with my Mom. Was I caring enough in the ER? Did I tell her “I love you”? You are going to experience a range of emotions after losing a parent. Let them come up and process through them. Don’t try to hold everything in.
Keep Talking
I sought help from a therapist immediately. She helped explain that I would work through all the stages of grief but that it would not be linear. That the various stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance) would come in waves and not always be sequential. Boy was she right! Friends and family can also be immensely helpful during this time. There are good days and bad days the come after losing a parent. Especially days where I am in tears for what seems like no reason. It’s ok and part of the process of healing.
Take time out and take care of YOU
It’s easy to get lost in the endless To-Do list after losing a parent or any loved one. Funeral arrangements, legal and financial matters – it can all be physically and mentally exhausting. I was running on fumes during those early weeks because I couldn’t sleep. I bet my blog posts in August 2018 are sub par because I was just trying to get through each day. Get rest and know when to refuel yourself. And if friends and family reach out to help you, let them!
Be patient
Recovery is different for every person once they’ve experienced losing a parent or loved one. There is no timeline to this process. Time does help but it does not erase the pain. Own your feelings and don’t dismiss them. You will also notice that people who have been through this are your best allies. Embrace them!
Enjoy the precious memories
I still swell up with tears when anyone asks me about Mom. I am sobbing just writing this post about losing a parent. However, I know that eventually I will be able to talk freely about her and enjoy all the memories we had. Trips to Germany, funny stories, childhood memories and more. I’m so grateful that she was there for Taylor and Jeff’s wedding. She had such a great time that night!
Accept the new you
Life will never be the same, it will be different. Somehow, the little things in life aren’t as important. Deadlines, being late for an event, over scheduling myself, being left off of an event guest list – all things that used to annoy me seem so trivial now. When you experience losing a parent or loved one, material things are no longer important, experiences and time are! Accept the new you and keep moving forward. It will get better. And note: All the holidays are hard, especially the first ones without your loved one present.
Pictures of Mom
This is her “cast” picture from the 1950 Passion Play in Oberammergau, Germany. She played an angel.
10 years later, she was in the crowd scene for the 1960 Passion Play. Being in the Passion Play cast is something only residents of the town of Oberammergau, Germany are allowed to do. We plan to attend the 2022 play.
Mother’s Day a couple of years ago. She loved to celebrate holidays.
I posted this picture in this blog post. It’s worth repeating. Hello 1986. They were visiting me at college.
I am guessing that this might have been us celebrating someone’s birthday. But I can tell it’s before any health issues happened. This is how I like to remember her.
This was from our trip to Germany in 2015. It would be her last time to visit her hometown of Oberammergau, Germany. I’m so grateful that we did this as a Mom/Daughter trip. That’s my aunt in the picture with us.
Our celebrations seemed to always be centered around food.
She LOVED celebrating all of the grandkids activities, achievements and milestones. I know she would be so proud of the amazing adults they have become.
I snapped this last Friday, January 18. Happy Birthday Mom!
Here’s a picture from the shoot I was on the morning of August 1, 2018 (blog post here). I got the phone call from Dad that morning. Things went downhill quickly after this photography session.
This is one of the last pictures we have of Mom. May 2018 at Taylor and Jeff’s wedding.
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PIN THIS IMAGE
You are so brave! We all face grief sooner or later and it helps knowing others feel the same as you. This post came at a great time because I in Florida helping my 93 yr old aunt (no children) who just laid her husband to rest in August. Walking through the assisted living place is just so sad. Lots of emotions. I can offer this—be open to the conversation about final needs, get it handled ahead of time, organize legal issues too. One of the worst parts was having to go through my uncle’s items and help my aunt move. Things have memories…so tough. Glad Pete was there for you—really helps to have some one to talk to. Hang in there. Xo
Julie,
I’m keeping you in my prayers as you help your Aunt through this process. You are right. Digging through papers, pictures and other matters to move them is a daunting process full of memories.
Sending you a virtual hug to give you strength.
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya – your comments on how to deal with losing a patent we’re excellent. I can tell by how you wrote this – you have really been successful walking through the process. I in no way think any of us wants to go through this painful process – I have with both of my parents- but as you said- there is a time when we have to let go – no matter how cruel and horrible this is for us. As my sweet Dad was dying, he said with a smile “Heaven is home but I’m not homesick yet”
Thank you for sharing your story and your helpful tips. I loved seeing your precious Mom in pictures and your Dad too. Hugs and love. Mary Ann
Thank you for sharing, Tanya. My experience is the grieving process is on its own timeline with many detours. Maybe it’s a journey just like life. The bargaining part has been the hardest … the “if only.”
Prayers and hugs.
Carol,
Thank you so much for being there right when I needed it most. The food, the friendship and understanding will never be forgotten. I hope you know how much you have helped me.
Love and hugs,
Tanya
Thank you, I needed this today.
Thank you for this. I lost my precious mom about 3 weeks ago. I am not dealing well at all. I can’t function. I have never felt so hopeless and sad. I have been trying to get into therapy, but covid is making that difficult. My last day with my mom was similar, an unexpected call from my dad while I was at work that she was having trouble breathing. So much chaos by the time I could get there. I can’t function in any aspect of my life right now. I have so much guilt and pain.
Carolyn,
Thanks you for leaving this comment. It will get easier but it will take a lot of time.
Don’t be afraid to talk to friends who have a lost a loved one. They are an incredible source of strength!
Keeping you in my prayers.
xoxo- Tanya
This really touched me, especially that she didn’t get to wish you a Happy Birthday. Hugs to you today.
Kathy-
Thank you so much. I appreciate that you have been with me so long and always leave comments on here.
xoxo- Tanya
Sweet Tanya, thank you for sharing this with us, your friends/ readers. You’re brave to share all the details. And I’m thankful you are as it is good to be reminded that we’re all in this together. Love you❤️
Pam,
We are definitely all in this together. Prayers for your Mom’s speedy recovery.
xoxo- Tanya
Beautifully written. Lump in my throat the entire time. It’s so tough to convey true emotion in writing & you did so effortlessly. Thank you for sharing this—everyone secretly dreads this day…and you’re right…no one is ever ready. she sounds like an amazing person!
Jenna,
Thank you for your sweet comment today. I love keeping up with you and seeing your beautiful boys. And over course your beautiful cookie pictures!
xoxo- Tanya
Thank you for being so honest and open! ! Crying as I am reading this …. as my own dad is struggling with a cancer diagnosis. These are words I needed today and will be so helpful in the future. Love you Tanya
Linda,
I am lifting you up in prayer today. Your Dad is so lucky to have a caring and kind daughter like you. HUGS!
xoxo- Tanya
Cannot wait to hug you on Wednesday. Thank you for sharing. Much love and many prayers, dear one!
Susan,
THANK YOU for selecting me to be on your committee. You have no idea how much I needed to belong to something I could sink my teeth into when asked me to be on the research committee.
Now, hopefully I can get through my presentation without crying…
xoxo- Tanya
Big hugs and love to you. Anniversaries are the worst. The first year of firsts is horrible. But I actually think the second year is worse because it starts to become a routine. Which is horrifying and heartbreaking. Knowing you will go through it every year for the rest of your life. Hang in there. You are an inspiration to many.
So very sorry for your loss and having many happy memories soothes your pain.
Thank you Marian!
xoxo- Tanya
Remember all the good times and how much she loved you and your family.
I lost my mother when I was 10 to Leukemia. I miss her and never got the chance to know her as an adult. Cherish each day with your friends and family. Time helps and the smiles come back. Today’s post will help others get through a loss.
I always enjoy your posts and look forward to them every day.
Prayers for you and know that you will see her again one day.
Gretchen,
I am so glad that you shared that with me today. You mean the world to me and I love that you look forward to the daily blog posts.
THANK YOU!
xoxo- Tanya
Well, now we are all crying! What a sweet post. Your mother was just as beautiful as you — inside and out. Sending lots of love, Tanya. Xxoo
Paige,
THANK YOU sweet friend. And thank you for reading every day.
xoxo- Tanya
As your college roomie and knowing Helga for years, I remember how she had that infectious laugh and always had a smile on her face! Even when I visited her after she was wheelchair bound, she remained such a joyful and happy person to be around….so uplifting and positive! You and the kids were the light of her life and all was okay. She certainly lived a full and happy life…for that I am so glad. You were a wonderful daughter and for that you can be proud!!
Sharla,
I am in tears reading your comment. Especially because Mom and Dad loved you so much! They loved all the college stories, especially when silly things happened (and there were plenty of funny things that happened). She relished hearing those stories… 🙂
I take comfort in knowing that she did live a very full life – nothing would stop her, not even her failing body.
I love you!
xoxo- Tanya
My heart goes out to you, Tonya. I lost my sister in 2012, so I know the crushing spirit of grief. Hold fast to that knowledge of her love for you and your family and the happiness you all brought her, and also, the knowledge that where she is now, if given the choice, she wouldn’t leave to come back, but does long for you there.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. May God continue to wrap you in His loving arms.
Jamie,
Thank you for sharing this story with me. You are right, she is in a better place and just waiting for me.
xoxo- Tanya
Didn’t have the strength to open my email this morning, but I knew I had to as my mom just passed away last week. Two days before her 83rd birthday, Jan 18. The events nearly the same. So glad I opened this email. Thank you for showing a way. I’m so sorry for your loss. So hard to see life without our amazing mothers who have shared every mountain and every valley of our lives. There is a plan. Will need your future post for dads who loose the loves of their life, married over 60 years.
Dana,
I am so sorry for your loss. She is with you every day, I promise. And she is so proud of you! My parents were married for 54 years so it sounds like we are on the exact same journey. The next blog post is coming soon…
Lifting you up in prayer!
xoxo- Tanya
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents in a car accident almost 10 years ago and learning to live without them has been a journey that has gotten easier over time. Thank you for sharing. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Michelle,
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Losing 2 parents at the same time must be so heavy. And thank you for sharing that time will make the journey easier. I appreciate your words of wisdom.
xoxo- Tanya
Ugggg, I am just in tears reading this. The experience of losing someone is just so surreal and impossible to bear. Thank you for being candid about your emotional journey…..it’s one of the best things I’ve read. Question about your mom: I see in one of her many cute pictures that she is wearing an owl necklace. Was she a fan of owls? My MIL, Elke, is from Germany, and owls are her thing. I was just wondering! It’s obvious where you get your style and your beauty, my friend. Big hugs, and a belated happy birthday. You know she is watching over you. XOXO
Rachel,
Thank you so much for reading today’s blog post. I’m not sure about the German tie-in to owls. Mom LOVED costume jewelry and had a lot of it.
Thanks for the B-day wishes too.
xoxo- Tanya
I am so sorry for your loss, Tanya. 2 amazing women-you and your sweet mom. Sending prayers for peace and comfort.
Thank you Amy!
xoxo- Tanya
Your an amazing caregiver and daughter Tanya!!!
Paul,
You have been so helpful to me not only the first time I moved them in 2015, but again when I moved Dad.
THANK YOU!
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya, thank you for being so honest and open. I lost my dad 15 years ago unexpectedly from a car crash. It shook me to my core. I will tell you that, although I miss him everyday, time does heal your soul. I can now remember all the great times we had together. I’m thinking of you and praying that, in time, sweet memories of your mom will help you to heal. XOXO
Kelley,
I remember the incident very well. Although I did not personally know your Dad, I do know you. And I know how proud he is of you! He is with you every day – this I know.
HUGS!
xoxo- Tanya
What a beautiful post, Tanya, and thank you for inviting us all into this space. Although I did not have the blessing of knowing your mom personally, I know the great woman she was because I know you! May the Lord provide comfort and peace in these days.
Candace,
Your prayers are always felt and your words of wisdom give me so much comfort.
THANK YOU sweet friend!
xoxo- Tanya
Dear Tanya,
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal part of your life. I am sitting here in tears. It is so very difficult to lose a parent. I lost my dad 10 years ago suddenly and I must say I miss him everyday. My mother had a massive stroke 18 months ago and is paralyzed on her right side and cannot speak. I don’t know which is worse, losing a parent suddenly or watching them decline slowly. Regardless, it is difficult either way. Many prayers for your healing and for your strength. Again, thank you for sharing this and also for being such a bright light for others. XO!
Melinda,
Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Lifting you up in prayer and hoping that your Mom makes a full recovery, if that is possible. Thank you for sharing your personal story with me too!
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya, I have been reading your blog steadily for the last year, appreciating all the topics you cover very much. Today’s blog about your dear mother took my appreciation for you to a new level. Thank you for being transparent about the complex difficulty of losing a parent, or any traumatic family experience. This is real life. May God supply peace and comfort in these days.
Jane,
Your loyalty to the blog is greatly appreciated! And thank you for letting me be transparent on here. Real life it is!
xoxo- Tanya
Dear Tonya,
I am so sorry for your loss. You had the unusual mix of watching a loved one go downhill health wise, but having the end come suddenly. Hang in there. Grief does indeed come in waves. Just float along with it.
Love,
Ann Frances
Ann Frances,
Yes, it was a weird mix. I don’t know which is worse. A long decline or a quick departure. I think God gives you what you can handle.
xoxo- Tanya
What a precious tribute! A co-worker just lost her mother. I plan to share this with her at the right time. God bless.
Shelley,
Please do share the post. It will be helpful when your co-worker needs it. Happy to be of help!
xoxo- Tanya
Brave, beautiful, raw – such a lovely tribute to your Mom. Thank you for sharing. I still have my Mother and I do not know how I’ll go on with out her. (I just sent her an I love you text after reading this and I tell her that every day.) I am so sorry for your loss and although we are total strangers we are all connected as Mothers & daughters. I started following you just before your daughters wedding as I had 1 daughter get married in June and another one getting married this year. Sending you an online hug and a prayer for comfort and peace as you carry on your Mom’s legacy of love with your own family. ❤️
MJ,
I’m so glad you sent her a text after reading this. That’s an important take-away from today’s blog post. Life is short, make sure you tell your loved ones how important they are!
xoxo- Tanya
Helga (OMA) was such a positive person that could make all around her happy too. Even with her health problems the last few years she always smiled and never complained. She loved life and her family. I miss her, too.
You are right Pete, she never really complained.
I know you miss her, especially since your Mom passed aways so many years ago.
I love you!
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya, thanks for sharing. I lost my mother in 2017 and my father 13 months later. Some days, it doesn’t even seem real and I forget that other people are going through the same difficulties. My parents loved Les Owens more than words can describe and he loved them more than words can describe. You are in my thought and prayers.
Linda,
I’m so glad you left a comment today. You sum it up perfectly, there are days where it still does not seem real.
Thank you!
Tanya
I would like to share our feelings for Helga.
We got to know Helga and Greg when Sharla joined the Belles. She immediately became a good friend to us with her laugh and smile, she was always happy and jolly. She was a delight to know.
We shared a great week-end in
Canyon Lake outside of New Braunfuls, Texas with Greg and Helga. She loved it so much. Being from Germany, we took her to the old German Bakery and German restaurant. We took a day trip to Fredericksburg
and she loved everything. We went shopping while Eli and Greg toured the Pacific War Museum. She loved all the shops and was a delight in the shops. Laughing and talking with the people in the shops.
We enjoyed a delicious lunch in one of the German restaurants.
The guys joined us for lunch and we had a good time sharing our
stories of our day.
We will never forget our trip and
our good times together watching the Belles performances.
She was one of a kind and we will always remember her laugh and wonderful smiles.
Oh my gosh Vonelle!
THANK YOU for sharing this sweet memory of Mom (and Dad). I don’t remember you all taking this trip together but I am grateful that you did.
I remember you all meeting when Sharla and I were Apache Belles and then continuing the friendship when we were college roommates at the University of North Texas. Such special times – all of them!
She loved hearing updates about you all and of course she loved Sharla!
xoxo- Tanya 🙂
It is an honour and privilege to know you. My heart is mourning with you. Not all superheroes wear capes.
Thank you sweet friends in Canada!
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya- My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a parent but your strength and courage is very inspiring. What a wonderful tribute to your mother. Her beautiful spirit lives on in you. XO
Megan,
Thanks so much. I appreciate you leaving a comment and offering your kind words.
xoxo- Tanya
So proud of you for writing this post friend! Know how painful it was to revisit every moment, but your honesty and transparency will help others who are struggling, I am sure! What a wonderful daughter you were to your Mom, and still are to your Dad. They are blessed to call you their daughter! Love you!
Mary-
As someone who was with me from the beginning of this journey in 2015 and helped me all the way through it including moving my Dad, I cannot thank you enough. Your friendship means the world to me!
THANK YOU!
xoxo- Tanya
Thank you for sharing your post. I lost my dad suddenly 20 years ago, and I was with him at the hospital when it happened. It’s a devastating experience, but I’m so glad I was there. I am sure you feel the same way. What a beautiful mom! Time is great healer. Godspeed!
Kelly
Kelly-
Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it!
Tanya
What a lovely, kind daughter you are. I know how incredibly devastating sudden loss is. You never completely get over it. The best we can do is try and live the best life we can without the ones we held so dear. My prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing.
Wendy-
Thank you for your kind words. Just trying to find the new normal over here.
xoxo- Tanya
Very touching post about your Mom. Thank you for sharing such a personal story, but, one so close in experience to many of us. My Mother died at the young age of 68 on my 41st birthday in 1990. When I turned 68 a year ago ,the day itself was really hard as I was then the age she was when she left this earth. i vowed to make every day, every year , every minute count because she no longer could. Time does make it easier ,but i know we never stop missing our Mothers. I know your pain is still fresh. Hoping for memories that can soon make you smile.
Cher,
I can only imaging the day you turned 68 and how hard that must have been. What a great vow you made. Inspiring words I will always remember!
xoxo-Tanya
Dear Tanya,
I’ll always remember your Mom smiling. Now that’s a lot of ballgames, programs and gatherings through the years to do so…a welcoming friendly smile.
Your memories and tribute today are very touching and tender even in brutal moments.
I think of your Dad knowing how much harder his journey is.
This, of course, will always be your finest blog . You will have introduced Helga through pictures, trauma and personal memories to many who would never know her and yet now know her well through your heartfelt portrait .
Ps You have your Mother’s smile.
Mrs. Tucker,
You are such a gift to me! How fortunate I am to have met Jennifer, Andrew and the kids so early on as a young mother. And thereby becoming friends with you and Mr. Tucker. My parents always loved seeing you all at all the activities, birthday parties, camp drop off and pick up. The memories are endless aren’t they. That I am grateful for!
Thanks you!
xoxo- Tanya
What a beautiful tribute to your mom! Yes, losing a parent is really hard, I lost my dad six years ago and it was really hard for me! He ended up in a nursing home in Dallas and I would call him every day for a year and a half and for that first year after I lost him I would reach for the phone almost daily to call him, then remembering I could not anymore. But I was also brought peace and comfort in knowing that he was not living in a body that had deteriorated so much and in a way that he would not have wanted to live. I also rely on my faith and know he is in a much better place now, filled with love, joy, peace and beauty! Thank you so much for sharing your story, it will help so many of us who are grieving a lost loved one. I pray you will find comfort in all the wonderful posts by your followers!
Cindy,
Sweet friend, I am lifting you up in prayer. Thank you so much for sharing your story too. I am comforted in knowing she is with God. I know she happier not dealing with all the medical problems that ultimately took her life. And I know that I will see her again as she is patiently waiting for me.
xoxo- Tanya
What a beautiful tribute, Tanya! Thank you for sharing your story. Sending you lots of love!
Erika,
Thank you! I appreciate you leaving a comment today. It truly means the world to me. Thank you!
xoxo- Tanya
I am so sorry Tanya. I lost my father on December 17, 2018. I’m still devastated. Thank you for your post today, I need it more than you know.
Julie,
I am so sorry for your recent loss. I hope this blog post was a little helpful. Feel free to read it anytime you need a little help! Lifting you up in prayers!
xoxo- Tanya
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom. You are so strong for sharing this with us and to let us know we’re not alone in your feelings. Your Mom was a beautiful woman whose presence was a gift to have in your lives. A beautiful wife, mother, and grandmother. I think (after much heartbreak and crying too) you may be passing the denial stage because as painful as it is, you are beginning to talk about her and the circumstances. I’m not a therapist but I went along with my daily life (with lots of thoughts and crying) until my birthday hit – same as you. My Mom and I shared the same month birthday and that’s when I finally let it all go and could no longer deny she was not around and I was at a loss. I
assumed I had been in denial all that time and didn’t realize it. Every day I went through the motions, but when my birthday hit and then her birthday about 11 days later, that’s when I finally realized she really was gone from my life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Barbara,
Thank you for your loving comment today! We share the whole “same birthday month” situation and I think you are right. Once that date hits, it becomes very real. And yes, every day we just go through the motions. It’s part of the survival skill to move forward.
Thanks you for your thoughts and prayers! They are felt.
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya: Thank you so much for this post. I cried while reading it because I could feel your sorrow over the loss of your mom. My mother lost her mother in 2017, and Mom has been unable to move forward. Your post gives me a little insight into what she may be feeling.
Oh gosh Staci, I am so sorry for your Mom and her grief. The sadness can be debilitating so I can understand how she feels. Sending my love and prayers her way and hoping that things get better!
xoxo- Tanya
Thank you for posting this.. I see the decline in my mother. My mental image of her is 55 years old. Then I think… well hell… Im 50. Then I see that juxtiposition of my mental image of her and how she is today. It reminds me that time is limited. I am afraid of loosing her. She has been with me my entire life. My rock and foundation. I know that day will come. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you healing.
Dena,
Give your Mom some extra hugs!
xoxo- Tanya
I know how you feel about losing your mom. I lost mine in 2007. I still want to pick up the phone and call her, go over and fix her dinner! Our mom’s loved us unconditionally and we do the same! Love your blog.
Thank you Janis!
xoxo- Tanya
Thank you for your post and for sharing your heart. I was in tears missing my mother so badly and it’s been 20 years since she passed.
Nancy-
I am hoping that your heart is healing.
xoxo- Tanya
Well, friend, all I know to say is I Love You. Today is a toughie, for sure. I’m right here to help you in any way I can. And I know for CERTAIN that your precious Mom is whole, and happy and healthy in Heaven. She is well, she truly living her best life, because she is living her Eternal Life with her Savior, and she is watching you and loving you still!!!! xoxo
Mary-
Thank you for being there at the very beginning, middle and again TODAY when I needed it most. You are always so kind to jump right in and help.
I couldn’t have done it without you.
THANK YOU!
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya. I cannot yet imagine. I am so respectful and amazed by the fact that you could get that into words. I don’t know that I could ever start and/or finish a project like that. Thank you for sharing, Tanya. Have a great day knowing how proud she is of you, and I bet she even understands your job now.
Sweet Lynley,
Writing the blog has proven to be part of the healing process. And feeling the strength of prayers and well wishes from all of my readers/followers helps too!
We will all go through it at one time or another.
xoxo- Tanya
Such a lovely tribute to your mom and dad. You’re not alone in this struggle. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. I’m so glad you’re going to Germany next year!
Ann Frances,
Thank you for your kind words. It really means the world to me.
xoxo- Tanya
Your mom was a beautiful lady… I remember meeting her years ago in Klein. Thinking of you.
Thank you so much!
xoxo- Tanya 🙂
Thank you for sharing!
Lost my mom last October and this first year of being motherless has been a journey. Could never have imagined how sad I would be, not being able to call her daily.
Sending you hugs.
Bernadine,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that it just takes time. There are days where I feel like it is all getting better and there are days with sadness. It’s all a part of the healing process.
Hugs to you too!
xoxo- Tanya
I lost my Mom last year. I wasn’t ready to read this when you first posted it but I am reading it now. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your journey.
Gabrielle,
I’m so glad you came back to this and read it when you needed it. That’s why it is always here. Sending you lots of prayers!
xoxo- Tanya
Thinking of you Tanya on this sad day. It does just take time, but you never forget. My blessings to you, your family and your Dad. Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for the update.
Thank you Barbara!
I feel your thoughts and prayers and truly appreciate them!
xoxo- Tanya
Beautiful story and an incredibly helpful and moving read ❤️ I just lost my Oma last weekend and am preparing for her funeral next week. I’m looking forward to celebrating her incredible life and living with purpose to continue who kind hearted, service filled legacy.
I just email your blog post to my mom as I know it will be very helpful for her as well. Thank you again for opening up and sharing such a beautiful message.
Hugs and love,
Emily
@FortuitousFoodies
Emily,
I have truly enjoyed getting to know you through the blogging world. I am so sorry for your loss. Oma’s are so special. Your Mom will need your strength now more than ever. Keeping you and your family in my prayers!
xoxo- Tanya
Tanya,
Thank you for sharing these most personal feelings and experiences. It makes me think of the loss of my younger brother, and the effects it had on me and our family. Nothing can prepare you for such a loss.
I also think of my parents, who are in their 70s, and how I’m accepting and dealing with their aging.
Underneath all of this, though, is a beautiful tribute to your mother. She sounds like such a wonderful person.
Thoughts and prayers for you and your family
Regards,
Andrew Gonzales
Sweet Andres,
Thanks so much for leaving me a comment today. I’m so glad that you also shared with me that you have visited Oberammergau. I’m glad you found this post helpful.
xoxo- Tanya
Wow, so heartfelt. You had a beautiful mother.
Thank you for this. I was looking on Pinterest and found your blog. My mom died last Friday 3/3/2023 and right now I am not sure how I will walk this new road God has me own.